I'm Sorry

Em I love you...I miss you...you are beautiful...you have changed me more then words could say. You are the bestest friend I've ever had.

How do you say goodbye?

I'm lost. She's gone. Words escape me. SO much that I have not been able to write about HER in fear that my heart will fall out of my chest and I will drown in my own tears. She left me. She left all the people that knew her for a day, but felt it was a lifetime. She abandoned those who would have done anything to save her. To see her smile, hear he throaty laugh, feel the pain as she lovingly punched your arm because you said something amusing...I would give anything...

I would forgo every memory of HER just to meet her again one day. She was more then a friend and I am forever changed just from knowing her. I miss her, hate her, envy her, and wish I could hear her voice say "Hey babe!" just one more time. How can one person evoke so many emotions?

She was selfish and brave all in the same breath. She cared more about people then she did herself, yet how could she leave us all here with an empty heart? What kind of pain could this shining beam of light been in to be able to lift that knife to her skin and throw it all away? What was she thinking? Was she thinking? I want to know, wish I knew answers to these questions. She has left me lost, trying to climb my way from an inescapable cavern of emotion.

She would say "Snap the fuck out of it. I'm gone, but you are still here." I would say back to her "Fuck You". She doesn't have the right to be cavalier, even if she is dead. I hate her for making me love her so much and then leaving me to grieve.

I had plans. Plans that did not include vomit inducing tears, irrational behavior, or depressive slumps. My plans were much happier and did NOT include vomit. So now I pretend. I hold it together long enough to make money and feed my children, until I can once again return to others distractions that will prohibit me from moving forward.

I'm trying to reach out from the abyss, but it's a constant struggle not to get sucked back in. She is EVERYWHERE. Pictures, music, knicknacks, statues, candles, t-shirts, books, emails, she picked out my GOD DAMN wedding dress! What the Fuck EM, what the fuck?

Maybe one day I will feel whole again. Maybe one day the pain will be a minor footnote. Maybe one day pigs will fly. Right?

Returning to an ex repeatedly: Karma or weakness?

Karma is an ancient concept that is prevalent in many Eastern religions. It's translation is 'action' , which could be mental, physical, or emotional. The teachings about Karma describe all life experiences as a collection of energy; where all actions are shaping past, present, and future outcomes.

In the modern world the term has become synonymous with those who are trying to escape karmic retribution by not putting out negative energy that will come back to bite them in the future. The reasoning is, you get what you give.

On Dec 20, 1997, at the tender age of 16, I met and "fell in love with" a boy who had it all; a job, a car, and money to spend on me. At that age what more could I ask for. He was a "bad boy" who made me feel special, what a score! Fast forward about 13 months and I'm the proud mother of a baby boy, attempting to raise him with an 18 year old man who is still a child. It only took a few months to realize that my son and I took a back seat to his friends, partying, and getting high. I thought to myself I deserve better, so I ended it.

Who could have predicted that 3 years later, to the day, I would meet the new love of my life. What a sick joke the Universe was playing on me. But he would be different I said, I have learned so much right? So what if he had a longer rap sheet then my son's father, or drank more, or smoked more? He wasn't the same guy, I had learned my lesson. I would never waste my time again with a guy who couldn't handle responsibility or keep from getting arrested. God help me I was dumb.

Not only did this new bo cause more strife in my existence then my ex, but he did it with such finesse I wasn't convinced, even after public humiliation, that he was no good for me. I didn't know what I was worth. I truly believed he loved me and that I was not that same naive 16 year old girl.

I know now, looking back, the sheer fact that I met disaster #2 was because I obviously didn't learn what #1 was meant to teach me. I didn't give myself enough love so I was constantly attracting men who couldn't give me enough either. Now granted I did not return to my ex, but karmically I did. I kept finding various incarnations of the same selfish immature boy because I wasn't able to see my own God-given value. I don't believe I was weak, I was afraid. Afraid of demanding to be treated with the respect I deserved. It is fear that holds us in the suspended state of returning to someone, or many someones we know are no good for us. It is up to us to change our karmic path. It can be our ally or reoccurring enemy.

Yes I would like another... (insert artery clogging deliciousness)

I sometimes feel like I am regurgitating the teachings/message/guru gospel of the book I am indulging in at the moment. For that I apologize, however this posting is no different. My hope is, not to plagiarize the polished material I ingest, but to spit it back to you like a momma bird would do in the mouth of her baby, none of the extra fat, only the nutritious wormy meat (OK that was gross, I apologize again).

Moving on, I read today that the motivating factor behind all that we do is based on weather the outcome of that decision will bring us pleasure or pain. Now, most of our choices are based on a sliding scale of pain, 1 being spilled coffee on new white pants, to 10 consisting of being boiled alive while watching an episode of The Hills (truthfully the boiling would be welcomed).

Then we have pleasure. To some it's eating their favorite tasty treat (mine would be Oreo Cakesters). While others indulge in skydiving or day trading to get their fix. Whatever it is, it is usually based on the need to avoid pain and seek pleasure.

Take for instance me and exercise....now while I cringe even writing me and that word in the same sentence intellectually I know that exercise is good for my health and my well being. So why do I choose to have that extra greasy onion ring, or finish my Oreo Blast from Sonic ( do you see a trend ?), instead of choosing the salad? Pleasure. The satisfaction I endure from that golden onion crunchiness or the cool creaminess of my beverage far out weighs the slight decrease in body fat I achieve from an hour of aerobic workout. I would rather seek the immediate gratification vs the long term benefits of putting down that spoon. The pain of sweating, aching, and deprivation prompts me to seek the thing that makes me happy.

Avoiding pain and chasing pleasure is what we all do. Whether it's taking drugs to create a fog around your troubles, or closing ourselves off from potential happiness with a partner because we are afraid of rejection. We will do whatever it takes to stay as far from pain as possible.

But what if we changed what we associated as pleasureful and painful? I can tell you that the women I work with don't see pain in sweating through a work out until your muscles fatigue. They have flipped it so pleasure is represented by healthy foods and lean, toned bodies, while pain is being out of shape and ingesting fatty foods (don't tell them about the onion rings).

Maybe to figure out what drives us all, to do the things we do, we must look at what we associate with pain and what we associate with pleasure. Perhaps this is the first step in self-discovery, because if you don't know the problem you certainly can't fix it. Or maybe we should all just go have an Oreo Blast?

What brings you pleasure and what brings you pain?

Look Within or you will be Without

Last night while perusing yet another self-improvement book (yes I know I have a problem), I realized that I was reading about how to live my dreams instead of actually doing it. How ass backward can I be? My mom was right. I was delaying creating the future that I seek by engrossing myself with the very teachings that promote this action. I closed Awaken the Giant Within and decided to finish what I had started. About 45 minutes later I clicked the save button for the last time. It felt amazing. I tweaked a few lines, deleted others, and arranged the dialog in some scenes so it would just flow from beginning to end. Oh what a feeling!

I began working on this pilot back in November of last year. I just felt something was absent from the current line-up of family sitcoms. I miss the days when being bombarded with sexual innuendos and/or random violence wasn't commonplace in most homes. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy a good blood bath or hot love scene. But with my kids, I want to be able to enjoy a show without having to explain to my 10 year old what a 'menage a trois" is, or find a response when my 3 year old askes "Mommy why are they naked?"

Not only did I want to create a show that families could watch together, but I also wanted a show that was a reflection of my life. It's not very often that you see a bi-racial families on t.v., much less as the stars of the show. Sitcoms are like ice cream flavors, you usually only get chocolate or vanilla, with perhaps the "token" FOC on top (friend of color). My family is more like a vanilla-chocolate-mocha swirl, with rainbow sprinkles! It's important for kids to know that families come in all different flavors and we all are searching for the same thing. Love is love.

Now that my script is complete and copy written, I can officially start pimping it out for a deal. I don't how it will happen, but that's not up to me. My only focus is on creating as many opportunities for my work to be read, the Universe will work out the details.

Filled with Gratitude, Ready for Abundance

My life is truly blessed. I have a phenomenal husband who loves and supports me. Two wonderful boys who make me laugh till my stomach hurts with the funny and ridiculous things they say. Me: "Gaga's (Grandma) car got hit by a deer, it's broken." Bryson: "Oh so now her car is at the doctor's so it can get fixed." Friends who a dear and true; who always know when to tell me to shut up because I've said too much and root for me when I don't believe in myself. A mother who is by biggest cheerleader, and worst critic. (It only stings because you are usually right Mom). I live in a home that is warm and fabulous and perfect for my family. Lastly I have the drive, determination, and creativity to fulfill all the dreams that the Universe has in store for me. I no longer worry about how it's going to happen, instead I spend my days knowing it is already happening. I'm one lucky girl.

Today: Awaken the Giant Within

My mother recently banned me from purchasing anymore self-improvement books, for fear that I was spending too much time searching for answers outside myself, when I should be looking within. While I feel that her opinions are valid, it's been about 3 months and I'm jonzin like a junkie looking for a fix. I should really blame her for my relapse since she suggested I kill time at Barnes and Noble. That's like sending a gambler to the racetrack to just "look" at the horses, it was going to end with me getting what I wanted (yes I'm 27 and placing blame on my mom, don't judge me).

While my kids were perusing the Thomas Tank Engine and Harry Potter books, my gaze lingered toward a man some describe as a visionary and others a charlatan, Mr. Tony Robbins (or as he is now known as 'Anthony Robbins'). He has been the guiding force of Fortune 500 CEO's, heads of state, and professional athletes, all seeking advice and counsel for various issues. The title of the book that caught my eye was Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical, and Financial Destiny! Now if that doesn't excite you, I don't know what will. I'm all about getting to the end result faster and more efficiently.

My best friend attended his seminars and always came back with a new glimmer in her eye and the momentum to move her in the right direction. Since I don't have the resources to dole out a few grand and take part in his transformative weekend, I decided a $16 supplement would be sufficient. I've watched many of his videos on YouTube, the first being his presentation during a TED (Technology, Entertainment,& Design) conference, where leading innovators gather to share ideas http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cpc-t-Uwv1I. The talk was less then 20 minutes long, but by minute 4 I was ready to Google every video available with Tony in it. His passion and energy is infectious, but more importantly his in-your-face approach and crude language is a refreshing change from the soft, gentle delivery of most spiritual or motivational gurus. He got my attention.

Success comes from taking the initiative and following up... persisting... eloquently expressing the depth of your love. What simple action could you take today to produce a new momentum toward success in your life? -- Anthony Robbins